Jumpin' Jiminy Junon
by Kaldea Akutenshi
Summary: This is the sequel to Cough Wheeze Hack Chocobo Farm Cough. Our cast seem to be getting along much better but *BAM CRASH BANG* More insaneness and mayhem awaits them...Please DO NOT read if under 17. Thx. Please R&R.
1. Jumpin Jiminy Junon Part 1

HOLY JESUS ON A POGO STICK WAVING TEN DOLLAR IN DA AIR, IT'S JUNON!!  
  
We had nothing to do with the making of F.F.7. This retarded piece of 'work' is meant purely for non-profit entertainment purposes. Blah, blah, blah, blah. If YOU copy OUR IDEA we will KILL YOU. We have ways...we know people in HIGH places!!!! This page will self-destruct in 10 minutes...so GET READING BITCH!!!  
  
Created by, Restamon, Hippiemon..... oh and lazymon  
  
Rated-R for the criminally insane  
  
[ This is a continuation of "*Cough, Wheeze, Hack* Chocobo Farm *Cough*" A.K.A. "Cockabo Farm". ]  
  
CHAPTER - 1  
  
Between the numerous bars, whore and crack houses along Upper Junon Port stood a quaint little abode named, "FINAL FANTASY?".  
  
Above the store, the owner was having a rather bad day.  
  
????: Hmm, shit I smudged my mascara! I wish I was a little taller! I look like a freak! Damn.it's so hard trying to hide this long, thick tail of mine everyday! If people saw this they'd run a mile! How dare that dildo, Zidane, say that I have a monkey's tail just like him!! I have a foxy dogs tail! Hmm, *sigh* some days I just can't decide who I am. Am I a big ol', sissy transvestite or a big gruff beast of a man? Oh, I just don't know anymore!  
  
??????: You in, Kuja?  
  
KUJA: Yes. I'm here!.Oh, it's you.Zidane.  
  
ZIDANE: You don't seem pleased to see me.Oh, well, you won't be wantin' this box of FFVII merchandise.  
  
KUJA: Where did you get this lot from, huh?  
  
ZIDANE: Oh, y'know.'Fell' off the back of a truck sorta thing.  
  
KUJA: Why you common thief!  
  
ZIDANE: You want it then or what?  
  
KUJA: Yes, I'll take it. 2000 gil, will do it?  
  
ZIDANE: That'll do nicely. Cheers! See ya in the other Final Fantasy dimension!  
  
KUJA: Oh, I don't think so. I came here to set up my store and to find my parents - I'm a long way from that! Besides, I'm not going back to Gaya. It's too lovey-dovey.  
  
ZIDANE: Well, can't say I'll miss ya.  
  
KUJA: Charming! Same to you too!  
  
Kuja rummaged through the box.  
  
KALDEA AKUTENSHI: ^_^ Kuja!!! Kuja!!! Tell me you've got a Sephiroth action figure for sale?!!! I've been looking for one for sooooooo long!!!  
  
KUJA: Nope! No one can seem to get hold of one..sorry, love. Now PISS OFF and get on with the frickin' story!  
  
KUJA: Hrmm.what have we got here.  
  
STREET PUNK: YO! FINAL FANTASY? Hmm.heh heh.sounds interesting! You over there, silver hair! You got any bondage gear for me and mah gal?  
  
KUJA: THIS ISN'T ONE OF THOSE STORES! This a respectable establishment selling FFVII merchandise and paraphernalia!  
  
STREET PUNK: WELL, FUCK YER THEN! I'LL TAKE MAH BUSINESS ELSEWHERE! FUCKIN TRANNIE!  
  
KUJA: I was so blind to set up shop here. I'm like a flower amongst weeds in this garden of depravity known as Junon! Unbelievable! If I don't start selling anything soon.OOOOH! What is this? Noooo.it can't be! Is this THE Black Material?!! Sephiroth's famous Black Material?!! Oh.Zidane.YOU DONE GOOD THIS TIME! Heh heh! 2000 gil.This thing alone is worth 999, 999, 999, 9999999 gil!!! Hmm.but I kinda want it for myself.I wonder.Has it still got it's incredible destructive power.? I could wreak havoc on this sad, sorry world! HA HA HA!!! But more than that.I just love.the feel.of the Black Material.against my.soft, perfect, flawless skin.Let me just slip it on.Ooooh, this black latex cat-suit is just fabulous against my body.MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Meanwhile the team has already reached Junon via "Two Black Eyes". The group of seven are standing around a surgical table awaiting the removal of the chocobo's tits. Flies swarm in the dingy, badly lit operating theatre. Cid is happily swigging away on his tenth can of beer.  
  
BARRET: Yo, you sure this place is safe, Doc? The cockabo might catch an infection.  
  
NERDY SURGEON: I am very sure vis operation vill be a success. All of ze equipment ist never used more than twice per patient.  
  
CLOUD: UGH!!  
  
YUFFIE: EEEK!!! That's the biggest fuckin cockroach I've EVER seen!  
  
TIFA: DON'T HURT MY BABY! PLEASE! BARRET! Let's take Two Black Eyes somewhere else!  
  
BARRET: Tifa, I can't. Everywhere else is way too expensive an' we ain't got much.sorry.  
  
NERDY SURGEON: Let me just strap you down, little cockabo. VHERE IST MY SCAPEL? AAH! Here it is. *Grabs scalpel from off the floor. It is covered in crusty dried blood* Ahh, here it is. Let's get to work!  
  
TWO BLACK EYES: WARKKKKKKKKKKKK!! WARK!! I'LL GET YOU FER THIS!  
  
CID: WHOA! Did.Did that cockabo jes say somethin'.?  
  
SEPHIROTH: 'Don't think so.you drunk, Cid?  
  
TWO BLACK EYES: CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S KILLING MEH?!! ARGH! HELP! *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeep...................*  
  
NERDY SURGEON: Ah...Ve seem to have lost it.  
  
TIFA: NOOOOO!! MY COCKABO!  
  
CID: So what. We'll find another mode of *hic cup!* transport.  
  
TIFA: INSENSITIVE BASTARD!  
  
CID: Am I pisshed? I could swear that fuckin massive cockroach is talking to me!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Doc, just give me my cockabo breasts so we can get outta here please. Thanks. C'mon guys!!..and girls.  
  
CID: NAA! NAA! WAIT! He IS talking to me! HA HA! Jiminy Cricket, eh?! Well, I never! You'll take us anywhere we wanna go?  
  
AERIS: I'm certainly not riding on the back of a cockroach! UGH!  
  
CID: No? You surprise me of all people, Aeris. Who would think that a dirty, disease carrying scavenger like you would have a problem about sharing the same air as a cockroach?!!!  
  
YUFFIE: Why does Cid use less expletives when drunk?!!  
  
BARRET: YO! WE RIDE DAT THING! After all the shit we've been through in this story so far, riding an overgrown cockroach don't seem so weird.  
  
CLOUD: First I suggest we stock up on supplies in town.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Cloud? Do you want to go shopping with me? There's some pretty off the wall stores here if you know what I mean.heh heh.  
  
CLOUD: No. We'll all go together.  
  
Later.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Oooh! Let's stop by this one too! "FINAL FANTASY?" Oooh! C'mon, Cloud!  
  
CLOUD: Hey! Let go of my hand!  
  
SEPHIROTH: ; ; Huh? Where are the chains?!! The whips?!!  
  
CLOUD: Hey, this place don't look too bad.  
  
TIFA: Final Fantasy merchandise! Yay! ^_^ Kewl!  
  
SEPHIROTH: PAH! WHAT A LOAD OF SHITE! I'm gonna look elsewhere for a big fat dildo to stick up my arse! I'm dying for a fuck!  
  
BARRET: YO! I found a note on the counter. *Barret digs out the note from his pocket* It sez..  
  
"YO! All you big muscly guys. If you enjoy wearing Speedo's for cheap thrills and enjoy "meeting" new men jus' call 0291 69 69 BATTY BOYS and ask for Mukki at the Honey Bee Inn."  
  
Oooops! Shit! Wrong note!  
  
Barret looks around and notices that nobody is looking his direction and says to himself quietly.  
  
BARRET: *WHISPER* No one's looking I'll jes slip this note back into my pocket.If only I could git to a phone.Damn. GUYS!!! GUYS!!! I've found an important note on the counter!  
  
TIFA: Wots it say?  
  
BARRET: "This is NOT an S&M store so you might as well turn around and fuck off. If you are a genuine FFVII collector then it's about fucking time! I haven't had a fucking customer in months! Well, screw you little pricks cos I've found the Black Material and I'm gonna whoop your sorry asses!"  
  
Sephiroth turned around.  
  
SEPHIROTH: THE BLACK MATERIAL?!! WHO'S GOT MY BLACK MATERIAL?!  
  
BARRET: It's signed "Kuja".  
  
AERIS: Kuja?!..What a funny name.who would give their child such a name? Hahaha.ha.ha.  
  
SEPHIROTH: My Black Material. How I miss you so. I used to watch myself in front of the mirror wearing that black latex cat- suit. Oooh, my lunch looked so BIG in that suit. Hmm.touching myself around that.sweaty.material-  
  
CLOUD: OK. Too much information.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Oooh, that suit was a major turning point in my life. When I was the General in the Shinra army, I was a quiet, blunt, stoic hardman - never a pansy. Until, I put on the Black Material, however. I never realised a man's body could turn you on SO MUCH.Kuja, did you say? 'Never heard of him. We should meet.  
  
CLOUD: Is this the same Black Material you used to call up the Ultimate Destructive Magic?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Oh, yeah, that. I was having a rather baaaaad day. ^_^;  
  
BARRET: You fuck! We nearly died cos you were having a bad day?!! JESUS!  
  
CLOUD: Barret, what does the rest of the letter say?  
  
BARRET: *Ahem* I've got the Black Material! Na na nana na!  
  
????: *Flutters eyelashes* Looking for me, boys?  
  
TIFA: HOLY JESUS! He looks like Sephiroth!.But a lot shorter.  
  
????: SILENCE! COW UDDER GIRL! YES! I've seen you lot before! It was that Cockabo Farm flick! Personally, I didn't like it.Not enough gay sex for a raving homosexual like me!  
  
YUFFIE: Are you Kuja by any chance?  
  
KUJA: Yes! That's me, you Vietnamese whore!  
  
SEPHIROTH: OOOH! OOOH! OOOOH! ME NEXT! PLEASE! TALK DIRTY TO ME! C'MON TELL ME I'M A BAD BOY! SPANK ME! SPANK ME!  
  
KUJA: Hmm, I like you.Sephy. You wanna come with me?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Oooh, Cloud or Kuja.? Cloud.or Kuja? YOU, KUJA, YOU! Sorry, Cloud - He's bound to have a bigger dick! You know what they say about short guys!!!  
  
AERIS: CLOUD?!! You wanna tell me something?! 'Bout you and Sephiroth?!  
  
CLOUD: Aaaah.no. Not really.  
  
Sephiroth ran over to Kuja hugging him like a pathetic, chuckling schoolgirl.  
  
KUJA: HAH! Life is good! I got MY man, MY latex cat-suit.Am I forgetting something? HAH! YES! I'm gonna call Meteor! I'm gonna create MY Promised Land! MY Heaven! ME AND SEPHIROTH TOGETHER FOREVER!  
  
SEPHIROTH: You're so strong and mean!!! *Flutters his eyelashes*  
  
TIFA: Quick! Take the Black Material offa him!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Hey! BITCH! The only one taking off his clothes later will be me! Do you hear?!!  
  
Kuja raised the orb in which the Black Material was packaged in towards the sky.  
  
KUJA: BLACK MATERIAL! I INVOKE YOU! GIVE ME YOUR POWER! TRANSCEND A CATASTROPHE TO THIS PITIFUL WORLD!  
  
A great rumbling in the sky was heard. The sky darkened. Kuja and the group stepped outside.  
  
BARRET: WHAT THE.*Chuckle*  
  
CLOUD: HA HA HA HA HA!!!  
  
BLACK MATERIAL: I AM SORRY, KUJA. MY POWER HAS BEEN MOSTLY USED UP BY SEPHIROTH. I MUST LEAVE NOW.  
  
KUJA: FUCK THIS! YOU COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT! THE BEST YOU COULD FUCKING COME UP WITH IS A FUCKING GIANT MEATBALL?!! Oooh, I'm really scary now.ARGH! RUN! IT'S KUJA! HE'S GONNA KILL US WITH THE GIANT MEATBALL! RUN FOR YER LIVES! FUCK IT! 'MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP NOW!  
  
Kuja then threw himself on the ground and sat down with his legs apart sulking.  
  
CLOUD: WOW! O.O You really are BIG!!! Lemme have a closer look!!!  
  
SEPHIROTH: I don't think so, honey! He's MY spunk jockey! The only one who will get their hands on that is ME! Do ya hear!!?  
  
Sephiroth reaches towards Kuja's the big, uh, thing...  
  
SEPHIROTH: Hmmm.mmmm..would you like me to rub that for you, Sir? Oooh! It's hairy! Kinky!  
  
KUJA: HUH?! Sephiroth that's NOT my dick!  
  
SEPHIROTH: HUH?! You don't have one?!! Are you a GIRL?!!  
  
KUJA: NO! I'll show you my elephant's trunk later. That thing there is.my tail.  
  
SEPHIROTH, CLOUD, YUFFIE, TIFA, BARRET & CID: HUH?!!  
  
AERIS: OH, DEAR GOD!  
  
CLOUD: DAMN! I MEAN.what d'ya mean your tail?  
  
KUJA: I'm half-human, half-beast. Durr.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Oh, Sugarlumps! You're all beast.*wink* ^_~  
  
KUJA: Hey! Not here, Sephy! Later!  
  
BARRET: WHAT DA HELL IS DAT SMELL?! *sniff* COR! BLIMEY! I SMELL SHIT! IT IS SHIT! THAT'S NO MEATBALL, YOU QUEER!  
  
KUJA: Huh?  
  
TIFA: He's right, y'know! Can't you see that massive arse up there behind the 'meatball'?!  
  
CLOUD: Oh, yeah! I can see it now that the gas clouds have cleared.  
  
BARRET: WHOA! When dat ass finally unclenches that pile of shit is gonna be the death of us all!!  
  
CID: HOW LONG HAVE WE GOT?!!  
  
SEPHIROTH: It looks constipated. Judging from personal experience, it could fall tomorrow or next week!  
  
AERIS: FUCKIN' HELL! DAMN!  
  
YUFFIE: C'mon! Let's go indoors! THE SMELL IS TERRIBLE!  
  
CLOUD: GOOD IDEA! Jiminy Cricket, the Cockroach Man?  
  
JIMINY CRICKET: YUP! THAT'S ME!  
  
CLOUD: You're used to scrambling around in shit, aren't you?  
  
JIMINY CRICKET: That's my job, yeah.  
  
CLOUD: Good. It's dangerous out there for us people. Issue a warning to anyone on the streets. Tell them to find cover. If this is not an option, tell them to go to the Junon Sub and pick up a gas mask.  
  
JIMINY CRICKET: Got it!  
  
END OF CHAPTER 1 


	2. Jumpin Jiminy Junon Part 2

HOLY JESUS ON A POGO STICK, IT'S JUNON!!  
  
We had nothing to do with the making of F.F.7. This decrepit piece of 'work' is meant purely for non-profit entertainment purposes. Blah, blah, blah, blah. If YOU copy OUR IDEA we will KILL YOU. We have ways...we know people in HIGH places!!!! This page will self-destruct in 10 minutes...so GET READING BITCH!!!  
  
Created by, Restamon, Hippiemon,..... oh and lazymon  
  
Rated-R for the criminally insane  
  
CHAPTER 2  
  
The group went back into "FINAL FANTASY?"  
  
TIFA: That was awfully considerate of you to care about the townspeople's well being, Cloud.  
  
CLOUD: Oh, I didn't think about that. The author was just getting bored of that fuckin' massive cockroach idea so she got rid of him for good. He doesn't know that any minute now he's gonna get hit by a truck.  
  
TIFA: Yeah, right. She wouldn't do that. That's like you're saying she killed my cockabo off intentionally.  
  
JIMINY CRICKET: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! *SPLAT*  
  
CLOUD: SEE?!!! I TOLD YA!!!  
  
TIFA: _x  
  
AERIS: Got a plan, Cloud?  
  
CLOUD: One way or another that lump of shit is gonna come out - we can't do anything about that. We can't have that thing falling on a civilian area though.  
  
BARRET: We need a dumping ground.  
  
CLOUD: Hmm.  
  
CID: What about that toilet bowl, The Northern Crater? No one lives up there!!!  
  
CLOUD: YEAH! Cid, find a way to position that thing over the Northern Crater.  
  
CID: YES, SIR! Lady Luck, don't fail me!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Kuja and I will stock up on baked beans at Wal-mart.  
  
AERIS: Why? I don't understand.  
  
TIFA: DUR! Fibre! Silly tart! It'll ease the constipation!  
  
AERIS: DUR! Well, I've never needed to know until now! What's your excuse?  
  
CLOUD: OK! ENOUGH OF THE BITCH FIGHTS! EVERYONE GET TO WORK! If you've not been assigned to anything, stay here and suck my cock! I don't care if yer a bitch, a man or a fucking animal! I'm horny and I need someone to suck mah dick!  
  
AERIS: WHOA! CLOUD! I'VE GOT NO COMPLAINTS!  
  
TIFA: Erm.me neither.  
  
BARRET: I AIN'T SUCKING YER COCK, CLOUD! YOU owe ME a poke, remember? HERE YUFFIE! Here's ten dollars. SPREAD YER LEGS!  
  
YUFFIE: YES! I LOVE YOU LONG TIME!  
  
CLOUD: Great! TIFA AND AERIS! Let the spider fight commence!  
  
BARRET & YUFFIE: AHH, AH, AHH, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
CLOUD: YES! I LOVE GIRL ON GIRL! Now! Lemme join in! WOO-HOO!  
  
TIFA & AERIS: AAAAHH!! YESSSSSSS!!  
  
Five hours later....  
  
CLOUD: C'MON YOU SLUT!!!  
  
TIFA: FUCK ME HARDER!!! FASTER!!!  
  
AERIS: CLOUD! IT'S MY TURN! C'MON BITCH! SAY MY NAME, CLOUD! SAY MY NAME! WHO'S YER DADDY, CLOUD?! WHO'S YER DADDY?!!! C'MON YOU WHORE!  
  
Another 5 hours later...  
  
TIFA: I'm exhausted! I'm all shagged out!  
  
AERIS: .Too painful to sit down.OWWIES!  
  
CLOUD: WHOA, BOY! THIS IS THE LIFE!  
  
YUFFIE: Ten dollar?  
  
BARRET: Naa, Yuffie. I'm broke now!  
  
YUFFIE: One dollar?  
  
BARRET: I GOT NUTTIN BITCH! *SLAP*  
  
The door opened.  
  
RED XIII: What's going on?!.You alright, Yuffie?  
  
YUFFIE: .Um.yeah.Red XIII?.10 dollar?  
  
BARRET: DO YA EVER STOP WHORE?!! IF YER DON'T STOP YER YAPPIN' I'LL FREAKIN' KILL YA!!!!!  
  
AERIS: RED XIII?!!.Hi.  
  
RED XIII: *Ahem.* How.how are you doing?  
  
AERIS: Um.good, I suppose.  
  
CLOUD: GOOD?! She should be fucking ecstatic! 'Just fucked the living daylights outta her! Guess you know all about pleasing her don't cha, Red XIII?  
  
TIFA: *Snicker* Oh, yeah! Aeris and Red XIII at Hojo's Lab, F.U.C.K.I.N.G.!!!  
  
RED XIII: SHE TOLD YOU?!! Anyway.I WAS FORCED!  
  
AERIS: LYING BASTARD! You wanted it as much as me! You were aroused too by the thought of being locked up together! You wanted me!  
  
RED XIII: WOMAN, I WAS BORED FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! I don't usually sleep with anyone or anything that comes my way unlike you!  
  
AERIS: JESUS CHRIST YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT! You sleep around as much as Yuffie! You live up to your name as a DOG! I caught pubic lice because of your sexual promiscuity!  
  
RED XIII: It was after the mating season! That's why you got it! It don't mean I sleep around!  
  
AERIS: You're just a liar and a bad fuck!  
  
RED XIII: YOU BITCH! RUFF! RUFF! TOLD THEM HAVE YOU?! RUFF! RUFF!  
  
AERIS: PISS OFF! *RUFF!*  
  
RED XIII: HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I'M GONNA PISS MYSELF WITH LAUGHTER! Cloud tell me you didn't sleep with this bitch! SHE CAUGHT RABIES FROM ME!  
  
CLOUD: UGH!  
  
TIFA: YUCK! You rabid bitch! I'm gonna kick yer arse!  
  
AERIS: `OW! STOP IT!  
  
TIFA: YOU! DO! NOT! GIVE! SOMEONE! CUNNILINGUS! IF! YOU! ARE! CARRYING! DISEASES!  
  
AERIS: COW! I THINK YOU'VE SPLIT MY HEAD OPEN!  
  
TIFA: Use a Cure 3 spell then or better than that, DIE!  
  
CLOUD: Ugh! To think I've been in you and you've been on me! 'Think I'll join Sephy and Kuja from now on! At least I know they're clean!  
  
TIFA: NO!.Don't Cloud.I want.you.  
  
BARRET: AT LAST SHE ACTUALLY TELLS HIM!  
  
CLOUD: Heh. Come over here, Tifa, so I can play with your tits.  
  
TIFA TO AERIS: HA!  
  
They all sat down in a circle. Cloud put his hand up Tifa's top.  
  
TIFA: Yeeeeaaaaaaahh.  
  
CLOUD: Dreamy.  
  
AERIS: I do not wish to converse with you, Red XIII, however.you know who has escaped from Gaya and is living here.  
  
RED XIII: WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!? When you say living here, what exactly do you mean?  
  
AERIS: I mean, he's here in Junon, once our enemy, now helping us out.  
  
RED XIII: HERE?! IN JUNON?!  
  
AERIS: Well, not exactly. He's gone to Wal-Mart with Sephiroth.  
  
RED XIII: Sephiroth is here as well?! I suppose he's helping us too! God, this is weird! And it gets more fucked up from here! CLOUD! Stop fondling Tifa! Everyone follow me to the bar down the street!  
  
Everyone followed.  
  
BARRET: Yo...There's a bad smell in here.YUFFIE, YOU TROD IN SUMTHIN'!?  
  
YUFFIE: Eep! Nope!  
  
Red XIII pointed towards the bar counter.  
  
RED XIII: Let me introduce Doofus and the T.U.R.D.S.  
  
Around the bar a pile of excrement barely resembling humans was huddled. They could barely prop themselves up against the bar counter due to the levels of intoxication in their blood (or is that poo?)  
  
A carrot haired turd, (yes, it really was a lump of shit) approached them.  
  
RENO: Hi, I believe we've met before.You can call me Ginger.  
  
ELENA: ...Call me Baby.  
  
TSENG: Just call me Posh.  
  
RUDE: ...SCARY.  
  
DOOFUS (FORMERLY RUFUS): And I'm just plain STOOPID...hAHahahA!! DUH! *bottom burps*  
  
ELENA: SHADDUP, DOOFUS! You're bringing even MORE shame upon us, you retard!  
  
TIFA: What happened to you guys? Why are you all a bunch of talking shits?  
  
DOOFUS: Not me! I'm a man, see!?  
  
RENO: PUT THAT THING AWAY! How many times do I havta tell you?! Besides, you're not a man, you're 27 with an intellect of a 3 year old!  
  
DOOFUS: Yeah, well...Mommy said when I get big and strong, I will be the boss of Shin-Ra and...and...and...and I will take over the world!  
  
ELENA: Put your teething ring back in yer mouth already!  
  
AERIS: Fuck it! I've had enough! This is too surreal watching turds slag it out with the once powerful boss of Shin-Ra! I'm outta here! Catch ya later, guys!  
  
Cloud: Tell me...What happened?  
  
Tseng told Cloud and the others a long story about them being a little side- line project of Mojo Hojo's.  
  
TSENG: So, you see now?  
  
BARRET: Yeeeeeeeeeah...but why wasn't Rufus turned into a turd?  
  
TSENG: Mojo Hojo forgot to crap on the other end of the transformation machine. He was too busy blazin' another joint and fiddling with some whore. Rufus got crossed with empty space...His brain got totally fried, man.  
  
DOOFUS: ...MACHINE WENT WHIZZ! I WENT WHOA! BRAIN WENT...LAME.  
  
BARRET: Hmph, never liked the guy when he was above the reading age of us. Think I like him better this way. He's less dangerous.  
  
CLOUD: Guys? Why have you adopted Spice Girl names?  
  
Rude walked up to Cloud and threatened him shaking his fist.  
  
RUDE: NO ONE GIVES 2 SHITS 'BOUT THE SPICE GIRLS ANYMORE. THEY'RE HAS-BEENS AND WE CAN'T GIVE OUT OUR REAL NAMES. CAN'T LET NO ONE KNOW WE WERE THE GREAT T.U.R.K.S. COS NOW WE JES A LOAD OF SHIT BABYSITTING NUMB NUTS HERE!  
  
CLOUD: HAHAHAHA!! I'm sorry...I just can't take you seriously shaking your fist looking like you do!! Hahaha...ha...sorry...I'll be serious and sympathetic now...hah...ha...ha...GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!  
  
ELENA: SHADDUP! And don't give us any of that 'you got what was coming to you' shit! I'm not in the mood right now!  
  
CLOUD: Sorry, I shouldn't laugh but you've got to admit it - it is funny.  
  
BARRET: Y'know, you're not the only guys to have been fucked around by the evil twins, Hojo Mojo and Mojo Hojo. They didn't get to me in time. Cloud an' the others were made to bang...  
  
CLOUD: *wipes away a tear* Cockabo's...  
  
ELENA: Ooooooh.. When I get my hands on those two, I'M GONNA BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA THEM!  
  
TSENG: Alright, Elena. That's enough. Very unprofessional.  
  
ELENA: Yes, Sir.  
  
CLOUD: The evil twins are not our concern at the moment. TURDS, have you seen the shit in the sky?  
  
RENO: Yeah, some talkin' cockroach told us to stay indoors cos of it. Then the poor fucker got run over.  
  
TSENG: Are you going to eliminate the giant shit? Then we will help you. We need to redeem our status as mighty warriors! Being turds ourselves, maybe we can use our turd powers to stop that thing.  
  
CLOUD: Any help is greatly appreciated. As a token of my gratitude, I will someday, help you kill the evil twins as revenge for their twisted ways. Follow us. We're heading back to our temporary base, 'Final Fantasy?'.  
  
TSENG: DOOFUS! Stop playing with your Barney toy! Elena, hold his hand when we cross the road, please.  
  
Back at 'Final Fantasy?'.  
  
*RIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGG!!! RIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!*  
  
CLOUD: Hello? Ah, Cid, hi. Good. Ooooooh, Cid! Before you go, can you pick up some K Y jelly while you're out? Okay, thanks! See you in 10. Bye...Cid was just on the phone. He's moved the big arse using the Highwind over the Northern Crater already.  
  
SEPHIROTH: *waving arms in the air* HI!! Gorgeous people ^_^ *shoots Aeris a look* and scabs....We're back!! ^_^  
  
KUJA: We got a good discount on these baked beans, Cloud! ^_^  
  
CLOUD: SHIT! There must be 1000 cans of the stuff!  
  
SEPHIROTH: And we're gonna need it to clear that things bowels!  
  
KUJA: (Looking coy and girlie) Are you going to tell him, Sephy, Dear?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Cloud, darling. Kuja and I are going to have a baby.  
  
BARRET: WHAT! HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE?! TWO QUEERS CAN'T HAVE NO BABY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE INTELLIGENT TYPE, SEPHIROTH?!  
  
  
  
SEPHIROTH: WELL, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE! Gaaaaaaaaaaah...We will visit the Nibelheim reactor, collect some data and Jenova genetic material, go to the Shinra Mansion, take sperm samples from Kuja and I, weed out any undesirable genes, mix the male genes together, put them in a test tube with Jenova's female cells, mix that up, put it in a turkey baster, shove that into Tifa and in 9 months, HEY PRESTO, we have baby Sephiroth Kuja Marc Allen jnr. ^_^  
  
TIFA: WHY ME?!!! WHY DO I HAVE TA CARRY IT?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Don't cry, Tifa. You should be honoured. We chose you because you're the most clean living and sensible of all of us.  
  
TIFA: You mean I'm boring, don't you! Well, I won't do it! NOT FOR ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD!  
  
YUFFIE: ME DO IT! ME DO IT FOR TEN DOLLAR! ME GO CHEAP!  
  
SEPHIROTH: PISS OFF, WHORE! WE DON'T WANT OUR BABY COMING OUT OF YOU, YOU DIRTY SCAB!  
  
CLOUD: QUIET! IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY!  
  
SEPHIROTH: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! DON'T EXERT YOUR AUTHORITY ON ME, PISSY PANTS!  
  
CLOUD: SEPHIROTH! ENOUGH! DON'T MAKE ME FIGHT YOU! The world is fucked up enough already! We don't need another Sephiroth clone running around making things worse!  
  
KUJA: Maybe he's right.  
  
SEPHIROTH: WHAT DID YOU SAY?! COME HERE! YOU DESERVE A GOOD SLAPPING!  
  
KUJA: PIPE DOWN, YOU TART! I ONLY AGREED SO THAT I COULD GET A QUICKIE OUT OF YOU AT THE FROZEN FOOD SECTION! OW! DON'T SLAP ME ON THE HEAD! I'M GONNA GET YOU! YOU BITCH! *SLAP! SLAP!*  
  
SEPHIROTH: *SLAP*  
  
KUJA: *SLAP! THUMP!*  
  
SEPHIROTH: *SOBS* YOU WOMAN BEATER! MURDERER! DO YOU LIKE PICKING ON DEFENCELESS WOMEN?!  
  
KUJA: YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN AND STOP BEING SO MELODRAMATIC!  
  
CID: Fuckin' hey and all that! ^_^  
  
CLOUD: Welcome back, Cid. Now we're all back together, let me introduce, Doofus and the T.U.R.D.S.  
  
SEPHIROTH, KUJA & CID: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...o.0;;;;;  
  
CID: ...............[long pause] Erm...Cloud, I was just thinking...I used the Highwind to anchor Big Butt in place. How do we get to the Northern Crater from here? We got nothing to cross the fecking ocean!  
  
CLOUD: What do ya mean, you silly tart!!? How the HELL did you get back here!!??  
  
CID: ...I dunno. o.0;  
  
RENO: I knew we'd come in handy! ^_^ Being a turd, we'll float easily in the sea! We can escort you there on our backs!  
  
CLOUD: Nice one!!! Great! ^_^ The plan's all set! EVERYONE!! Go out and enjoy yourselves tonight. If the plan fails, this could be our last day on his planet. So, please, enjoy yourselves.  
  
SEPHIROTH: COOL! I heard the gay porno stars, "Che and Oliver" are in town!!!  
  
KUJA: Oh, yay! They do a drag act too! ^_^;; OK...OK...hold it down boy...better calm down or I'll cream me pants.  
  
CLOUD: Well, lets all go see that.  
  
CID: See a bunch of poofs! Gah! Do me a favour! I'm stayin' in! And there ain't no way I'm missin' Dukes of Hazzard!  
  
CLOUD: Fine. Whatever. There's noting else on in town unless you wanna go visit a whore and there's absolutely no need for that when we've already got two of 'em. Ain't that right, Yuffie and Aeris?  
  
AERIS: Hey! Why is everyone always slagging me off!!?  
  
YUFFIE: Hehehe!! ^_^ Yay! Me 10 dollar woman! Yay!  
  
END OF CHAPTER 2 


	3. Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!

Later at Happy, Happy, Homo House.  
  
CLOUD: WOO-HOO!!! YEAH!!! C'MON WE WANNA SEE SOME ACTION!!!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Hold my hand Kuja!!! I'M SOOOOO EXCITED!!! This is gonna be one hell of a show!!!  
  
KUJA: WHOA!!! I CAN SEE YOU'RE EXCITED, SEPHY!  
  
PERSON ON STAGE: AHEM! Ladies and Gentlemen. (stares at the TURDS) .and whatever. Welcome to the Happy, Happy, Horny, Homo Ho-down at the Happy, Happy, Homo House!!! I am your host Happy, Happy, Homo Harry!!!  
  
CROWD: WOOOOOOOOOOO- HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
HAPPY, HAPPY, HOMO HARRY: Tonights act will be brought to you by the genius double act, CHE & OLIVER!!!  
  
CROWD: YEAH! WOOOO-HOOOO!!!  
  
Just then two men parachuted on to the stage. One had black, spiky hair and was dressed in a pretty, pink crop top with a flamenco skirt and needle pointed high stilettos. The other had dark long hair and was clad in extremely tight studded leather clothing. He was wearing a leather cap with the words "SLUT BOY" emblazoned in diamonds on the front. The two men turned to eachother and started to sing.  
  
Waterloo! I was defeated, you won the war, Waterloo! Promise to love me for evermore, WA, WA, WA, WA-WA, Waterloo. Finally facing my Waterloo.....  
  
AERIS: WHOA! Never thought it would be like this. *talks to herself* OH MY GOD! Cloud's totally engrossed in all this! I've got to find a way for him to notice me!  
  
HOMO ON STAGE: Hello, my little darlings!!! I'm the camp one Che!!!  
  
KUJA: YEAH, BABY! YOU'RE MY FAVOURITE!!!  
  
OTHER HOMO ON STAGE: SNOOKUMS!!! My precious little darlings!!! I'm the butch one Oliver!!!  
  
MUKKI: I like butch guys!!! GET 'EM OFF!!! GRR!  
  
BARRET: WHA.MUKKI'S HERE?! ERM.. Guys. I need to go to the bathroom for a sec.k?  
  
Barret makes a bee-line for Mukki.  
  
RENO: This sucks.  
  
ELENA: Like totally!  
  
RUDE: ........YEAH.  
  
TSENG: Just enjoy yourselves, okay? Elena get the drinks in would you, please.  
  
ELENA: But it's not my round, Tseng! Geez.okay. The usual, yeah?  
  
DOOFUS: I want milk! BLEEP, BLOOP, BEEB! WITH UMBRELLA! LAME. I'm bored! Can we go see the Tele- Tubbies? Please, PLEEEAAASSSSEEEEE?!!!!!!!  
  
TSENG: SHUT UP! *SMACK*  
  
DOOFUS: BOO-HOO!!! I HATE THIS SHOW! BEEB! I HATE QUEERS! BLOOP! I HATE THIS PLACE! BLEEP! LAME..  
  
OLIVER: I think we have a disgruntled customer in the audience. Do you mind, Sir? You're spoiling the show.  
  
DOOFUS: SHALLUP! DOG'S POO!  
  
CHE: QUIET! YOU LITTLE SHIT! DO YOU KNOW WHY THIS MICROPHONE HAS A LEAD? IT'S SO I CAN RETRIEVE IT EASILY AFTER I SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!..[A/N: I'll give ya a crappy free pen if ya know where that's from!]...Much slagging off ensued.  
  
BARRET: Erm.WOW! I LIKE TOTALLY DIG YOU MAN! I found a leaflet with your business number on it! HERE LOOK! I REALLY LIKE SPEEDO'S TOO! I LIKE THE WAY THEY HUG YOUR BODY! AND GEEZ. GODDAMN I REALLY LIKE DAT ASS OF YOURS!!!  
  
MUKKI: HEY, BUBBY!!! Chill! Stop fretting already! It's just Mukki, bubby! Come.sit on my knee. Would you like to rub some baby oil into my chest, big man?  
  
BARRET: WHOA! YEAH! BUT NOT HERE, MAN! Maybe, outside?  
  
MUKKI: No. Let's go to the men's toilets, bubby.  
  
BARRET: WHOA! The lights went out alluva sudden!  
  
OLIVER: Now people! People listen! We've got a little surprise for you! Happy, Happy, Harry Homo.flick the lights!!!  
  
KUJA & SEPH: THE DRAG ACT.YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
KUJA: Hey, Che! Nice little pink bikini you've got there!!!  
  
TIFA: HUH?!!!!!! THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! Why is that Oliver dressed as me? HUH?! TELL ME WHY, CLOUD?!  
  
CLOUD: HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?! Looks kinda cute.  
  
TIFA: CLOUD! *THUMP* YOU'VE GOT THE REAL THING HERE COMPLETE WITH GENUINE TITS!  
  
AERIS: Yeah, if you say so, Lara Croft.  
  
CHE: OH DEAR! WHOOPS! MY BIKINI ACCIDENTALLY FELL OFF! Ooooooh! ME BITS ARE FALLING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!  
  
Kuja and Seph said nothing. They were mesmerised by the jiggling and gyrating of the man's nether regions.  
  
Aeris notices that Che's pink frilly bikini had landed convieniently on her lap. She stuffs in under her dress for safe keeping.  
  
AERIS: Uuuh, I have a call of nature right now. So, excuse me, I'm going to the lil ladies room.......Hahaha....haha...tee...hee...BYE!  
  
TIFA: Well! She's up to something and so is Barret! _  
  
CLOUD: What d'ya mean? They're just gonna take a slash, you silly tart!  
  
TIFA: Oh, get with it Cloud! FF characters NEVER go to the toilet 'cept like that kewl bit in the Emperor's Fortress in Vector in FF6 where you could jump on the loo, pull the chain but you were still fully clothed. o.0; I mean, FF characters hardly ever wash or hardly ever eat either!  
  
CLOUD: Oh, yeah...weird. Hey, there should be rules for this sorta thing.  
  
TIFA: I'll tell you what's weird! That butt hugger on stage dressed up as me! Hey! Shit on a stick! What's the friggin deal dressin' up as me, eh?!  
  
OLIVER: No time to chat. Busy darling. ^_^  
  
Oliver turns around, lifts up his skirt and humilates Tifa with a showing of his two full moons. TIFA: Argh! You bastard! Just you WAIT! Don't go walking down any dark alleys tonight, cocksucker!  
  
AERIS: Yoo-Hoo! Over here! Cloud, I'll show you some real entertainment that requires skill, babe!!  
  
The audience turns around to observe the other stage at the end of the room.  
  
AERIS: Now, ladies and gentlemen! Lend me your ears and your purdy eyes! THE Great, Beautiful, Graceful Aeris will now perform the ping pong ball act!..........................Let's just shove that up there......*pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop!!!*  
  
What now sounded like machine gun fire filled the room.  
  
?: OW!  
  
?: AWWWW! OW!  
  
CHE: _x OWW! Aeris, you always were an attention grabbing slut!  
  
AERIS: ZACK!! Che is Zack! Zack, is that really you?! Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!! Zack, you're not gay are you?!!  
  
ZACK: 'Course not, babe. I'm bi.  
  
AERIS: NUUUUUUUUUU!!!  
  
Zack strolls nakedly over tot he other stage.  
  
ZACK: It's okay, babe. Don't cry.  
  
AERIS: I thought you were dead! What happened?  
  
ZACK: Babe...did Cloud tell you I was dead? I wasn't dead! I was flat out, exhausted but not dead!  
  
CLOUD: I thought you were a goner!  
  
ZACK: You should know what happened to me....  
  
CLOUD: Eh?  
  
ZACK: You...you raped me.  
  
AERIS: CLOUD!! HOW COULD YOU!?  
  
CLOUD: I don't remember anything like that...  
  
ZACK: Well, I guess you wouldn't since you went into one of your schizophrenic moods again and...raped me. But it's okay, I guess. I mean, it hurt...a little...actually a lot but you opened up my eyes...y'know, broadened my horizons. I kinda liked it. So, I became a rent boy - for awhile. When I was doing that, I met my showbiz partner, Oliver. He was a rent boy too. He was real quiet when we met. dark and moody lookin'...  
  
OLIVER: Oh, I guess the game's up now! So much for being incognito. It's me, Vincent. And, yes, you're most likely wondering why I'm dressed up as Tifa. Let me pick up from where Zack got cut off...So...We were both rent boys. Zack was getting bored with doing just dirty old men - He realised he had too much affection for the fairer sex - a lil too much. I bumped men for the money even if it was lousy pay. One day, Zack comes up with this idea. To travel the world as a drag act. We earned lots of money and needless to say, fame. Unlike myself, cross dressing came very natural to Zack. I got through it with a lil humour. Don't take offence, Tifa. I like your style. Not too girly and not too butch. Kinda androgynous. Y'know, have you ever realised how much we look alike, Tifa? Scary, isn't it? CLOUD: Well, I think that's quite enough for today's festivities. We should all go to an inn or something. I'll just fetch Barret from the bathroom...  
  
BARRET: Ooooh....yeah...mmmm  
  
MUKKI: AH AH BABY!  
  
BARRET: mmmmmmmmmmmMMmm  
  
MUKKI: Bubby...  
  
CLOUD: Erm...I don't think we'll go there...I'm sure Barret will join us later. *ring ring*..........Hi, Cloud speaking. OH! O.O;; Marlene! Uh, um, no, daddy's busy right now. Yeah, daddy's bumping off some big ugly monster. Yeah. Okies. Bye!  
  
Geezus christ....Let's get some rest for tomorrow...  
  
ZACK & VINCENT: Why? What's tomorrow?  
  
CLOUD: Tomorrow we get rid of Big Butt!  
  
ZACK & VINCENT: Need a hand? ^_^ 


End file.
